Gift #1

Back in April I started a new series known as Doctor Who and this probably would have been your least favorite interest of mine. Doctor Who is a show about a time lord who travels--and that's as much as you would have let me explain to you.

This show is important to me because it represents a start to me trying new things and that being okay. In the nerd world in which I live, this show is beloved and I put off starting it for a while because it's a huge time commitment and it didn't seem that great. But I started it and was hooked very early on.

It wasn't hard for me to start this show because it's nerdy and I'm nerdy so the leap wasn't that huge. However, I'm starting to do a lot more outside of my comfort zone so I figured we should start slow with something you'll be able to easily understand: me being obsessed with a TV series.

Doctor Who recently started up again and I've been having fun hosting watch parties for my friends. Yesterday Ryan and Kali along with Preston (a new friend from my cohort) came over to watch the newest episode and it was a great time. I always used to laugh at you and think it was so stupid when you were looking for places to live and discussed how certain rooms would be good for entertaining because you never wanted to entertain anyone. I always assumed that I'd be the same way because I didn't like people but the truth is actually more complex than that.

The more I'm letting changes I experience be okay the more I'm realizing that it might not have been that I don't like people but that I feared people didn't like me. I'm not saying that our house will be the setting of a huge blowout party but I expect some nerdy party nights happening over here or me going out to be with friends more on the weekends.

It's amazing what becomes of you when you feel as though you have nothing. Noah was my last real tie of people that needed to be cared for and nurtured and without him here it feels weirdly freeing. Instead of being upset by this, I'm choosing to reframe it as an opening to be someone I was never allowed or able to be. Somethings, like Doctor Who, might be easy fits and work real well while others might take more time for me to get used to. (This vagueness is probably worrying to you; we'll get more into this when I'm ready to tell you about my 21st birthday.)

A New Introduction

Dear Mom,

It's been almost a year and a half since I've been able to talk to you last and a lot has changed since then. Although it feels really wrong to say, for the most part, I have never been happier with my life than I have since you've passed away. A lot of this is because of you though and how much you pushed me to do everything early so I could start graduate school right away. You know how much I loved learning and was driven to counsel but I always doubted myself. The truth is, I'd probably still be doubting myself if it weren't for everything that happened that summer.

Finding you was terrible and dealing with all the aftermath was devastating but I can think of no greater reward than starting my graduate program at the end of all this hurt. Mom, I know you're going to have a hard time believing some of the things I'm going to be telling you about because it's so unlike me. I've struggled with all of these changes because I wanted to remain the same person you knew but, unfortunately, I can't do that. I've tried but doing so causes me to risk losing all of the new things about my life that I absolutely love. So as I tell you about myself now please know that despite everything sounding different I'm still in essence the same person you knew.

Anyways, back to my graduate program. There are only two moments I can think of where I made a decision and I know that it was so perfectly right and my life is forever going to be different and better. The first was getting you and dad to agree to me going to Lumos in 2006 which started me on the awesome path you loved of me going to HP conferences every summer; the second was starting this program at this time.

The program itself is fantastic and wonderful in every sense of the word but it's the people in my cohort that make this experience something I will treasure for the rest of my life. I know it wasn't your fault but after you passed away I felt very unliked and unloved. I found comfort in the same family I had left and a few friends but it was really hard for me to be comfortable and feel okay with knowing that one of the only people who loved and cared for me was gone. Mom, I hope you know that I am still loved and cared for and, even though I've only known most of them for a year, I'm confident that these relationships will last.

I thought it would be so much harder for me because I felt and was so much younger. Remember us arguing about me moving out before I started this program? I was both right and wrong with this. That summer led me to grow and mature a lot but I still came in feeling super young. Luckily for me no one really seemed to care all that much about the differences I felt so strongly. I wish so much that you can meet all of these amazing people that I share so much with, the faculty I'm learning so much from, the experiences conducting therapy that I've had and grown so much from but I know you can't because if you were here every experience would be different.

The truth needs to be said and understood because we've known it for years to be true: you have always wanted to die and I was raised for you to die early on in my life. I'm not mad at you for leaving because I know it was what you've always wanted and that's nothing personal against me. It's taken me a long time to start to feel and understand but I now know it to be true: I'm okay, content, and capable without you here.

All of these strong relationships wouldn't be exist if you were still alive and I am thankful for them each and every day because they help me get through all of the grief I face because of your passing and now Noah's. You've had him with you for a month and one day now and I promised him that I would be okay without him because I have other amazing friends that will help me through now; that wasn't a lie.

Mom, there is so much I want to tell you about myself and it's taken me a while to think of a good way to do so. Do you remember the place in your wallet where you used to fold up larger bills or large amounts of money earmarked for specific occasions? After you passed away I looked in your wallet in that place because I remembered the conversation we had about my graduation gift. You said you'd give me $100 I could use towards bills but you ended up giving me $200 because of course you did. It's taken me a very long time to decide how to use this money and it's been left untouched since your passing until today. I've decided that this money, in $20 increments, will be used to purchase things that a) are new to my life that I want to introduce to you or b) things you already knew I loved but still mean a lot to me. These things can be items or experiences and each time you buy me something I'll write to let you know why it was important that you supported this part of my life. I understand why you can't be here but that doesn't mean I'm ready to live my life without you knowing me. I hope this helps you and me both to know that change is allowed and okay even when we aren't able to go through it together.

Please take care of Noah for me and thank you very much for this very special belated graduation gift.

Love,
Sarah